Choose Your Friends Wisely
Disclaimer: Nothing in this blog post is intended to be considered medical or mental health advice or treatment. It’s written from the perspective of the author’s lived experience and reflects personal views expressed with the intent to encourage and share hope.
If I walked into a room and asked everyone who has ever quit something important to them to raise their hands, more than a few hands would go up.
Some people could be thinking about unfinished novels sitting on their hard drives, half-finished paintings, or a college course—maybe even a healthy habit, a favorite routine, or a degree, business, or ministry. Some would think about relationships, friendships, jobs, unhealthy habits, or building new habits.
If I asked all the people who raised their hands to keep their hands up if a friend or other person with major influence in their lives at the time quit with them, a lot of hands would stay up.
If this doesn’t fit you, I hope you’ll keep reading, because you probably know someone or lead someone who quits when their friends quit.
Your friends matter more than you might think
It might come as a surprise, but some people quit on themselves every day because they are more afraid of displeasing a friend than they are of displeasing themselves or God.
Let me tell you about a girl who dropped an upper-level course in school because her friend wanted them to quit together. Let’s call her Jessica.
Jessica did not really want to quit. She wanted to stay in the course, keep learning, and see what she could do. But her friend did not want to take it for a variety of reasons, and quitting began to sound like the easier option.
For Jessica, the decision became about more than one class. It became about loyalty. She thought that if she said yes to her friend this one time, maybe the fighting would stop. Maybe her friend would feel cared for. Maybe the friendship would feel steady again.
But almost as soon as Jessica gave in, she regretted it. She was sad for weeks.
The hardest part was that her friend did not seem to appreciate the gesture. Instead of becoming kinder or more secure, the friend seemed to expect even more. More quitting. More no’s when Jessica wanted to say yes. More yes’s when Jessica wanted to say no.
In the grand scheme of life, missing one course may not sound like a big deal, but sometimes the visible choice is not the biggest issue. Sometimes the deeper issue is why we made the choice.
When loyalty becomes self-abandonment
Most of us know deep down when we are compromising in a way that goes against our integrity, future, peace, or discernment. We may try to explain it away, tell ourselves it is not that serious. We may say we are just trying to keep the peace. But something inside still knows when we have said no to something good because we were afraid of someone else’s reaction.
Sadness, resentment, guilt, or anger at ourselves can be just some of the consequences. Sometimes we start losing sleep, avoiding the things we enjoy, overeating, undereating, withdrawing, or becoming harsh with people who did not even cause the problem.
Jessica was not just dealing with one difficult friendship. She was dealing with patterns she could not fix by herself. She wanted to fix her friend’s meanness, but what she really needed was help learning how not to build her life around it.
When connection feels conditional
Jessica had not always felt like she belonged.
She had experienced rejection often enough that connection began to feel conditional. If she did what she was told, she could keep the friendship. If she disagreed, wanted something different, or showed excitement about an opportunity her friend did not share, tension followed.
Her grandmother talked to her about God, and Jessica would think about it. She had read about Abraham being called God’s friend, but those biblical stories felt far away from the school hallways, friendship pressure, and everyday decisions she was facing. Still, God was not far from her.
Even before she fully understood it, He was already offering her a better kind of friendship than the one that kept asking her to shrink.
When help comes through the right people
Jessica’s teachers and other friends sometimes checked in with her. They offered insight and noticed things she did not always want to admit.
At times, she even agreed with what they said, but then she would turn around and defend her friend anyway.
That can happen when someone is used to an unhealthy connection. We may recognize the truth for a moment, but still feel pulled back into the pattern.
There were many things Jessica and her friend either did together or quit together. Sometimes Jessica did not even find out she had turned down an opportunity until her friend mentioned it later to someone else.
That can be a wake-up call.
When you do not even know you said no until someone else says it for you, something has gotten out of order.
Learning to think for herself
One day, a teacher encouraged Jessica to join a new club at school.
Jessica was thrilled. Her first instinct was to say, “I will tell my friend about it.”
But the teacher gently and firmly advised her not to. She explained that this invitation was meant to help Jessica grow, plan for her future, and become more comfortable thinking for herself. Only those who were invited could participate.
That was exactly what Jessica wanted: to feel comfortable thinking for herself, make plans for the future, and take steps that would help her after graduation.
She wanted to start becoming the kind of person who could say yes to what was good for her without needing someone else’s permission.
When growth upsets the wrong people
Eventually, Jessica’s friend found out she had not been included.
Instead of being happy for Jessica, she began making up reasons why the club was bad for her. She told anyone who would listen, snubbed Jessica, shared her secrets, and spread rumors about her.
At first, Jessica reacted out of hurt and stopped going to the club, but that did not win back her friend. Eventually, the treatment became so ridiculous that she stopped wanting to be friends anymore. She lashed out and got into a huge fight during class, and got sent to the principal for flicking paint at a different classmate who repeated a rumor about her.
When the teacher in charge of the positive club Jessica was part of found out what had happened, she invited Jessica to return to the club and continue working on her project about planning for the future.
Jessica felt humbled and hopeful at the same time.
She had made mistakes, but she could still make new choices. Her old friend and her classmates did not have to choose well for themselves for Jessica to choose what was right.
When faith becomes bigger than fear
Jessica kept participating in the club. Over time, she started going to church regularly too. As her faith grew, her fear began to lose some of its power.
She started to understand that friendship should not require her to abandon her future, silence her discernment, or lower her standards. Jessica began to break free from the unkind behavior of her friend as she held herself to higher standards. She began choosing not to participate in things that required her to become smaller, weaker, or less honest about what she knew was right.
That is a beautiful kind of growth.
Choosing friends with wisdom
It is easy to look at Jessica’s story and think, “I would never do any of that.”
Maybe you would not.
Maybe her situation sounds dramatic or far removed from your own life. But it is still worth asking ourselves honest questions about the people we call friends. If someone consistently talks you out of things that are good for you, talks you into things that are bad for you, puts you down when you are happy, rarely has anything good to say to you or about you, takes more than they give, or mocks your faith and the people who genuinely care about you, it is worth pausing.
I say this gently:
Why are you calling that person your friend?
Friendship should not feel like being managed. It should not require you to keep shrinking. It should not demand that you say no to your future to prove your loyalty.
A true friend may challenge you, correct you, and tell you the truth when needed. But a true friend will not need you to become less whole so they can feel more in control.
Trusting Jesus with our friendships
The next question is this:
Do you trust that Jesus wants what is best for you?
Not “best” according to social media highlight reels or peer pressure.
Not even “best” according to the pressure you put on yourself to be a certain way.
Jesus wants to help you become more like Him:
To love what He loves.
To love how He loves.
To find strength in Him where you feel weak.
To ask Him for wisdom when you need it.
To become generous and considerate without turning relationships into transactions.
To know you have purpose.
To experience more of His peace and less of the stress that comes from trying to please everyone.
Beginning again with God
If you are not sure what you believe about God, or you do not know many Christians, or you do not feel comfortable talking to the Christians you know yet, consider starting with the Bible. You can read it for free through apps like YouVersion or online.
If you already know about God and consider yourself a Christian, this may feel familiar to you. Or it may feel distant if friendships and relationships have been difficult.
Either way, God cares about what concerns you.
When we know He is with us and let Him help us, we begin to notice changes. Maybe not everything changes all at once or as quickly as we wish, especially when other people are still making their own choices.
But when we choose to use our free will to trust God, ask Him for wisdom, and let Him shape our understanding of good character, good things begin to happen.
He can teach us how to be a good friend, and how to recognize a good friend. He can help us plan for the future and how to align our actions with wisdom, purpose, and love. God can help us stop quitting on ourselves and choose wisdom in all things–even our friendships.
Reflection
Do you know the story from biblical times of a paralyzed man whose friends lowered him down through the roof tiles so that he would get to be healed by Jesus?
In the book of Luke, chapter 5, verses 17-26, we get to read the encouraging story of Jesus and the remarkable faith of a man and his friends.
It was crowded in front of the house where Jesus was, so his friends could not find a way into the house. The next thing we know, his friends are lowering him down through the tiles on the roof, and the man is right in front of Jesus.
Jesus sees the faith of the man and his friends and does something amazing: He forgives him and then heals him.
Are the people you are friends with right now the kind of people who would help you get to Jesus if you needed Him and weren’t sure what to do? Do their actions mostly reflect the character, integrity, honesty, kindness, and thoughts of the future that you want your life to reflect?
What Bible verses can help you remember what a good friend is like, and what Bible verses can help you to think about the character of Jesus?
It matters who our friends are. Being a good friend never means we must compromise our character. Our friends won’t want us to do that, and God doesn’t expect us to either.
A Prayer
Thank You, Father, for being our Wise Counselor and for showing us the real meaning of friendship. Thank You for being our strength when we are weak, and for teaching us about real integrity and character. Please remind us to trust You when we are struggling to want our own way instead of Yours. Please help us to remember that we can always start over when we make mistakes or don’t like the way we are leading ourselves. Thank you for Your abundant mercy and grace. May Your will be worked through our friendships as well as in all other areas of our daily lives. May we be good friends. In the name of Jesus, amen.
Closing Thoughts
If you liked this blog post and found it encouraging, you’ll like the post Standing Room Only. It’s all about friendship, choices, and the multiple miracles of Jesus when He met the paralyzed man who was lowered down to him by loving, courageous, and faith-filled friends.
